I encourage growth and healing through Christ.
How God took me from Perfect to Imperfect
When I was a new Christian I couldn’t wait to become a Perfect Christian Woman, like the woman in Proverbs 31 and the leaders I’d see up front at church.
There was one leader in particular whose voice was soft like butter. Every time she went up to pray or give announcements, I practically saw a halo above her head and heard angelic voices in the background. To me, she was the epitome of a Perfect Christian Woman.
I wanted to grow spiritually and become all God wanted me to be…and to me that was Perfection. Seriously, I really believed I was supposed to get to a point where I was near perfect, like the many church leaders I thought were perfect too.
I grew up in a culture where looking perfect on the outside was important so I had a lot of practice. But now that I had a relationship with God, I really could become perfect. It was modeled for me every weekend at church.
And, I was almost there…at least it looked that way on the outside.
I had an amazing relationship with God. I was serving in the church. I was becoming a Perfect Christian Woman. And by the time I met my husband, I was one.
But, it’s pretty easy to look perfect when you’re single and living alone. You wake up with yourself, and go to bed with yourself. You spend most of your quality time with yourself (because when you’re an introvert like me, you love spending time alone). And it’s easy to be perfect when you’re in public and others are watching.
But being married showed me I was far from perfect…sigh…when will I reach perfection, Lord?!
How were those church leaders able to be so perfect? I couldn’t imagine them arguing with their husbands. They had the same Holy Spirit I had…what was wrong with me?
I got caught in a cycle of focusing on my flaws so that God could perfect every part of me and transform me into that Perfect Christian Woman.
But it was like a game of Whac-A-Mole…every time I thought I had a breakthrough and seemingly overcame one thing…another would pop up…then the same thing I thought I had under control would pop up again. But at least a game of Whac-A-Mole is fun. This was exasperating.
I was so hard on myself and I felt like a hypocrite. At home I was imperfect. At church and in public, I wore the perfect image disguise.
Then something really crazy happened…
My husband took a new job with our new church…as a pastor…making me a pastor’s wife!!!
Think about that…a pastor’s wife! I’m already failing miserably at being perfect and now God throws me into a fishbowl, or a fire (depending how you look at it) or maybe both, if that’s possible.
How crazy was that?! Well, crazy to me, but not to God.
At the same time, God was also doing something else in my life. I was learning not to be weighed down by the expectation of others, especially in the church setting. But how would I handle that now that I was a pastor’s wife? Would I be asked to do something God hadn’t called me to do? And if I said no, what would the senior pastor and his wife think?
God was starting to show me I cared too much about what other people thought and that goes hand in hand with wanting to appear perfect.
God was growing me in a deeper way but in order for me to grow I was going to have to stop caring about what people thought of me. And when you want to appear perfect, that’s hard.
And I had to say no to some things. Yes, I had FOMO–fear of missing out–and I did worry about what other people thought…even more now because I was a pastor’s wife.
Did they think I was rebellious? Disrespectful? Arrogant?
Probably. But ultimately I had to care more about what God wanted than what other people thought. I had to choose. And I chose God’s plan for me. God over tradition. God over the expectations of others. Thankfully my husband understood me and what God was doing in my life.
And there was something else…
With my husband on staff at the church, I saw what the perfect leaders were like beyond the stage. They presented themselves perfect to the congregation, but behind the scenes was another story altogether. There was a lot of spiritual abuse going on towards the staff by some of the top leaders. I was shocked…and I detested how phony they were.
But I had no idea God would use those very people as a mirror for me to see myself.
Seeing them wear fake masks helped me to see my own mask. I wasn’t abusive but I wore a mask. And I wasn’t aware of my mask until I saw the masks of those leaders.
The idea that Christians (or anyone else) are supposed to be perfect pushes you into a false presentation of perfection. The church leaders I thought were perfect struggled with the same thing I struggled with–falsely believing God wants us to appear perfect.
When my three years as a pastor’s wife ended, I started to heal from being stuck in what I now call a Perfect Image Trap.
Scriptures I read many times before, I was seeing in a new way. One of those was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 when Paul asked Jesus to remove some sort of weakness he had. Instead of removing the weakness God responded, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” Paul then took on a new outlook about his flaws, no longer feeling shame. God started to work in me in the same way.
I learned it’s not perfection God is wanting from me. It’s about what God can do in and through me as an imperfect person. And in order for God to work in and through me as an imperfect person I need to be authentic…not just at home, but everywhere. I no longer need to look like I have it all together all the time.
God put me on a path to embrace my imperfect self. I began to experience God’s grace, abundance and freedom everyday which I wasn’t experiencing before. Trying to be perfect was blocking me from experiencing the grace and freedom God offers everyday.